Coach's Corner--April 28, 2008

The boss is a bully? Changing jobs may not be necessary

The Client

Name: Martha
Age: 28
Title: Marketing assistant
Time at company: 1 1/2 years
Industry: Insurance
Issue: Stopping an office bully

Q. My supervisor yells at me — a lot. When mistakes are made, she blows up at me, whether they were my mistakes or not. I’ve gone to human resources. They said they’d let her boss know about the situation. Nothing has changed. I hate being treated this way, and it’s affecting my personal life big time. Maybe I should just quit, but the job market is tight and it might be the same someplace else. Do you have any ideas for me?

A. Bullies at work, especially when they have authority, can make the office a miserable place. Through inner resolve and outer action, you can improve your situation.

The inner game
In any situation, the only thing you control is your own response. That’s particularly important in a case like this. So, look at your reactions to your boss’ behavior and clarify your feelings by writing them down or talking to someone you trust. Are you angry, sad, resigned, or something else? Then, create your vision of the treatment you would like and how you would like things to change. Your goal: to build your inner strength so that you can take active steps to improve your situation. Also, stop to think about how someone else would see the situation; that can help you gain perspective on whether the treatment is as extreme as it feels.

Then, consider what may be driving her behavior. It may be hard to think of her with compassion, but if you can look at why she may be behaving this way, it may help you deal with her without taking her criticisms to heart.

The outer game
Next, think about what you can do when you feel attacked. Draw on your experiences. If you’ve been treated poorly before, how have you successfully handled it? What have you seen others do, even in a movie or a book? Think of ways you could defuse the situation, and then role-play with someone, practice alone, or silently visualize it — all ways to learn to behave differently when under stress. Find the right tactics for you, and then use them.

Communication with your supervisor may also help. Find a calm moment to find out whether she’s dissatisfied with your performance. If she is, you’ll get valuable feedback. If she’s not, it gives you the opening to discuss how you feel when she brings mistakes to you.

In addition, you’ve taken one step — going to HR. You may want make a return trip to see what kind of follow-up there has been, just to keep the situation on the record.

Of course, you could change jobs. If you consider this option, set aside your fears that this will just replay somewhere else. Look, instead, for a situation that you would like to go to rather than one that simply gets you away from the current one. Positive direction will help you find a positive outcome.

The last word
Anchoring yourself in belief in your strengths and your vision for how you should be treated, along with constructive action, will help you achieve the outcome you deserve.

Liz Reyer, President RCC - Posted April 28, 2008

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[below viewing threshold (-15.0), show comment]troubled (April 28, 2008 6:44:01 PM)

	troubled (April 28, 2008 6:44:01 PM)	Reply
	I found your article about work place bullies interesting. While I do understand my own manager's stresses (I am the assistant manager) in an ever changing and challenging position, I do find it hard to put up with the constant digs, scolds, criticisms and never any positives. While I, and my fellow employees, try to do what ever we can to help, she has the "mommy syndrome" which means she feels no one can do it as well as she can so she does everything. Then, when things are not done to her satisfaction, we are all "punished for it either by nasty scolds, or cut hours. I was hired a year + ago with the stipulation that my pay had to start pretty much at the bottom until I was trained. There is no training, one learns by mistake here. So, I am still being paid at the bottom, still unsure of how to assert myself in a way that is not threatening to her, and I am upset that I have not been given a pay raise after all this time. I have tried talking, suggesting, coddling, co-miserating, anything I can think of to help her understand that I am here to help her. Anything not of her choosing or her antiquated ideas are met with anything other than anger and refusals. I come in on off hours to try to help catch up, I stay late, I run like a crazy person trying to just prove myself to her, but nothing works. I am tired of feeling like a failure, tired of constant stress, and tired of working for someone who believes all the employees lives are centered around her, work and her whims. I have compassion for her, but as in all things, S&&t runs down hill and she is chasing away good, reliable, knowlegeable people with her bullying tactics. To suggest that we understand her stress levels, when morale is at rock bottom, when we struggle day to day just to try to keep up, is not fair. I do try to praise the other employees as much as I can, but it is just beaten down by this manager. I am going to put in my resignation because I can not see any change or future ahead of me. I have stayed through her vacation and through our annual inventory (going on at present) but I can not agree that I need to research to see how I can personally deal with this type of behavior. Why should low paid employees have to make all the concessions? I would also not go to her boss as this woman is also a tyrant and there is no HR to go to. Any suggestions from you??? thanks.....
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Liz (April 30, 2008 10:17:51 PM)	Reply
Thanks for sharing your experience and perspectives. And I can definitely hear your readiness to move on, which makes sense, based on what you've said. Given that, I would recommend that you focus on clarifying the strengths you bring to the job market and considering the types of opportunities you want to pursue. Also, though, I think some sort of inner process of letting go of your anger at the situation, no matter how justified, would be helpful. My belief is that anger is toxic, and harms the person who feels it the most. My concern for you is that the anger and frustration you feel will show when you're interviewing and become a barrier to improving your situation. That, actually, is one of the reasons I recommended bringing a compassionate view to the reader's boss. Compassion does not mean excusing unacceptable behavior, simply knowing where it comes from in order to move on with more ease, if appropriate, or to create the possibility that things could improve. This is just a quick response; however, based on the volume and passion of the comments I received to this column, I'll be doing a follow up in a few weeks. I would welcome your feedback to that column as well. With warm regards, Liz
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